My Pitas page

Friday, October 8, 2004

02:03 a.m.

a kite with a broken string

Wen showed me her bf picture today and for the days i have waited finally i got an answer, she is already attached but she never have been honest to tell me. Finally today then i know that this women is not easy to be trusted because she never lets people know the truth. I have before seen this picture of her with a guy and in her friendster i also seen her with another guy, girls who are easy into taking picture alone with other guys are girls takes guys easily. Haiz and from her friends, i also uncovered a truth is that she always used me because she knows that i will not reject her. No wonder in her club where everything is involved she always put my name. Really feels hurts, in fact to many people whom i have help many i know that they are making used of me because i will not reject them and its just me that i will try my best to help and they fully take advantage of this but this is amazing that she will know this weakness of my and used it. When i learn of this from her friends i am amazed. I thank time for helping me uncovered this side of her which i never know. Thinking back i seem to be the only one to find her for talk and she only find me when she need help. If its God's will that this should not be a part of me then let it be so. This my final year in the school anyway so there is nothing to be regret of, 6 month more and i will leave this poly life of my and go into NS. Till it be then let me be a kite with a broken string to be free and roam around in the sky with freedom.

Monday, September 27, 2004

02:01 a.m.

my recent quote

'hurt not the heart that loves you' who would have thought the person which inspired me with such quote is someone who is a non-christian? by not going to church and not been seen in church it seems that i have nothing to do with them and with no questions and a full-stop and yet in the past when i see someone how around i will call them. it had been for a very long time since i am away from home and i really wish to go back and i have been trying but somehow i am afraid because i am a stranger there, i do not know whats happening and are most of the time figuring what happen. every saturday i will sleep early because i want to wake up early on sunday to go church and yet every sunday i will wake up early and stood blank for 1 minute before going back to sleep. it is because i will feel of going to church however i donno and why but i will feel a sadness within me that i no longer belongs to that place. i believe in my God and i wished to change for the better however i cannot and i hope that someone will help me...

Friday, September 24, 2004

02:28 a.m.

sicked month

finally everything is back to normal i wonder why and what happen to my body, i seldom fall sick and i have never got hit by a series of illness before. somehow this is my first time to catch so many illness with one month of time. mooncake festival is comming again and now i am 22 i wonder what can i do now since i am so old, i wonder what are the things that i can celebrate about for this festival? these few weeks had been a very busy week for me as this sem is ending everyone is busy as well with projects deadlines and test to study everyone is busy and for my game project its a big sign cos many things still doesn't seem complete and i have not seen the work of others for class i wonder what have they been doing. it has been confirm that i will be going for my final year project before going for attachment, with my fypj know i have to start thinking of what i will be doing. but to think that i can start count downing my poly days i feel sad cos when i go ns i wouldn't have time for relationship and this is a major problem for me cos for my age i believe its time to plan for such things . . . yet in i still feel myself incapable for such things because girls nowadays look for looks, money, concerning, charisma and many other more things as their ideal stead however i don't have much good qualities because the gers in my class are forever saying me bullying them and i wonder what did i do to make so many gers complain of me. should i change? how to change and what to change to?

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

01:44 a.m.

its week 11 now

5 more weeks and i must end this term, kinda of sick about this term because i did so badly in C++ games development but really i wished to make a good one cos i hoped to make a computer model about my first love, because it is the part of my life where holds the most memories and where i first knew about what love me and what is it like to be in love. Today i have been called up by a friend who cleverly trick me into free labour by helping her carrying new monitor, wow that was really sweat cos the monitor was so heavy. its good that she brought it near her house if she where to bought the monitor somewhere maybe i guess she will have to carry me instead. recently i had not been chatting so much on internet as usual i guess maybe cos i have been through a big illness, now i also don't talk much, eat lesser, physically weaker. i wonder how much time would i need in order to recover from all these. ah.....after seeing brother's blog page, i think maybe its time for me to find some nice blog skin and decorate my blog.

Thursday, September 2, 2004

02:03 a.m.

Am i really a good person?

yesterday morning i helped an distress auntie,and help her to do some heavy shopping plus carry some real heavy stuff. this isn't a great thing to boast however she was very gladful and say that there isn't much kind soul like me and she will remember my kindness. However one thing that make me upset is that she ask me why don't i have a girlfriend, i told her this is not for me to decide and she says i am so kind maybe some girls like me and that i just donno and i keep silence. perhaps its just of our age gap because nowadays girls don't seem to like kind-hearted people. they want guys with good looks, money and charisma and these are things that i cannot affort. Perhaps because now that they are pretty and young they have lots of choice and a few years down the road maybe they will change and be more mature. my friends whenever they went out they are always pair in 2 only me alone and i really envy them, but i can do nothing for this world plays trick on me, the one i love is the one i cannot love and yet the one i can love is not the one to love me. my time is running away slowly, because i am going to army and that would be the time when its very hard for me to find a girl because i maybe signing on for the money because my family is poor or i maybe too occupied by army that i have no time and this is something that i see from all NS man. this would be a 2 years blank for me, perhaps i am destined to be alone who knows? perhaps i am the loner star the chosen one to be loner and miser all life and whosoever that touched me will be cursed with wickiness.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

11:49 p.m.

Rule of nature

Have a talk with my ex-godsister today because she came to me and talk however we cannot talk as much as what we are in the past because we are not what we are as we are in the past. *long and comfusing right my brother must having a headache reading this* how the significant change in her is her rebelious spirit now she never listen to others and she is in the world of her own.she now onli listen to her gf and yes its her gf because she had become a lisbian now. *sign* i wonder why and i just can't keep wondering why is this so. The whole world is corrupted with the 'truth of evil' the way of how love is taught in this world the television, i really hate it. i really hate the rule of human the more high the technology and the more develop the world is the more evil and hate i have for it because for reason this is always the place where lisbians, gays and bisexual people comes from. haiz.....cannot continue this blog maybe will write it next week....

Thursday, August 19, 2004

11:27 p.m.

headache......

i wonder wads wrong with my head. it gives me headache since last saturday and it really affects my studies and this headache had no source of how it comes about neither does it have any reasons. Dr Yong who is my family doctor after doin full body check up still can't find any reasons for the headache that i have been experience my sechool days. At first he thought i had brain tumor which shock me and after checking he say it isn't and couldn't i relax myself. actually after thinking maybe it isn't so bad after all, if i have the brain tumor i would be able to do things which i don't have guts to do normally and maybe if i ask wen out she will come. but why should i cheat myself, perhaps we are just club friends after all, nothing much to add in. After discuss with my net good friend alan, i began to think that maybe i am wrong in the first place because i shouldn't put too much into it after all the more you put the mroe hurt you get, after all i am not the decider of all things. in my scondary school days because i am good looking that is why i am that lucky to have girls chasing me but after i grow up it seems that my good looks disappear and now i am on the other side of the table but it is so hard so tiring process. perhaps last time when girls chase me i should go with them ^^, but that is not love also because i don't love them and if i go steady with them i am cheating them. i may not be a good man but i will not do such things to people also because retribulation comes and i never want it to falls on my loved ones. head spinning again need to take medicine....BYE~~

Friday, August 13, 2004

01:39 a.m.

very bad mood

i am just trying to get attention from people, feeling very down, low moral, strengthless and heartless in doing things can someone pop me a encouraging message that i may know that i am at least something in this world that is worthy of your attention? somehow i feel i am so sinful because i am so unmature, childish and attention seeking to do this but i do not know what got over me that makes me do such things can someone please help me?

Thursday, August 5, 2004

04:20 a.m.

sad until cannot sleep

its 4.20am here and i got lesson from 9-4 tomorrow and i cannot sleep because i feel terrible. maybe its wrong right from the first step we should remain as friends and i shouldn't expect too much after all i am just a average guy. i really took my time to understand her and i am a year 3 student really busy in my work yet i push these a side for her yet busy busy is the response i get from here. okay lo maybe too busy to talk so i sms her but even from sms she also rarely reply is there any other means of channel of communication to her? i donno that to love a person is so hard that dispite all these sacrifice you will get nothing in return. maybe all these had acculumated too much that now i cannot take it because it makes me lost my sleep. just now when i talk with her somehow she seems to be able to know that i am somehow upset and she coax me, really i am happy and she is then AGAIN busy but promise to talk with me afterwards HOWEVER she went offline and not even come back. i was SO tired today after several game testing, and after getting scold by people i barely manage to pull myself together to edit the bugs in my game. i was so tired that i told junni that i need to take a NAP why cos chung man told me that she will come back to me later and i was so happily waiting for her. i didn't sleep when it was 12 i decide to go bath and junni was offline by then however i was still waiting foolishly because i saw her brother online and i tell myself perhaps she will come later and hence wait again and until 1-2am i finally give up. i told my online friend kim about my situation he told me to give up. hey it wasn't easy because my feelings is still there however i am too upset to sleep now that i decide to write this blog. after some thinking i believe that really it could be my wishful thinking, because when i talk with her online 70% of her reply would be 'heheee :P' and i am always the one talking. perhaps to her i am just a councillor someone to talk to when she is bored and entertain her. maybe i will now try to get off this feelings of my because it is a PAIN, imagine your mood have to depend on another person. SAD SAD SAD really sad my heart is aching now...

Tuesday, August 3, 2004

10:28 p.m.

sometimes i really wonder

Sometimes i really donno am i doing the wrong things because chung man and i are people from 2 different world and in what ways are we alike? in many things and in many areas we are different so how does the world of 2 different people come together? haiz sometimes i really fed up lor cos i donno wad she wants and many a time she prefer others than me perhaps i am not that good or that God had not yet arranged for me to be attached so soon. after all such things isn't easy you have to share what you have with another person and hence everythings becomes half. not only this but you have to really takes time to explore and spend time in order to know the person better and sometimes you even have to live under the person's temper and endure with it because u love the person. feelings for the person is just the begining and if the conditions above is not applied then the feelings is just mislead you because love comes with a commitment and if you are not committed to explore about your better half how can you know the person. maybe its an act of desperation because people around you have steads leaving you alone, or that you are just attracted into the outer look of the person and never think futher into it. anyway today my friend yihua does a silly thing. she actually bite me infront of the whole class, but actually no one knows about it but cos she bite me so i shout to shake her off and everyone looks at us then realise that i am bited. just because enghui who is a good student is a dirty fellow dirty in ways of his own hygine but she also don't have to avoid like that as if he is aftering her life. lets hope the mark will cease tomorrow.

Friday, July 30, 2004

05:36 p.m.

i really donno.

i donno why and i just cannot find a good answer. i really like to talk to chung man however i donno know if i am really in love with her because we just know each other recently maybe its just my lust or the wishful thinking on my part. she is so pretty and cute and so many guys chasing after her why would she choose me? i am poor, inmature and ugly even if she were to choose me i would be in the last of the reserve. these few days i have been asking myself, i myself is from one world and she is from another world. we being totally different person have different liking and thinking and in doing things we are also different in many ways hence how could we live in the same world. i do not know of what she thinks about me and i really do not know what to do. today she call to meet me and i am very happy i woke up at 9 and have to go to school at 11 but i really took the time and look into my cupboard to dress myself nicely. she gave me a surprise by giving me the first friendship day present and i accompany her until 5 which she went back to her work place. she say that she will meet me on monday, i am still thinking that should i meet her or not...

Friday, July 30, 2004

05:36 p.m.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

09:28 p.m.

Charlet adventure

i went for a charlet from saturday until today. It is supposed to be a BBQ session for me however i was pursuade and blacknail by the chair man of leo's club until i gave in she nag too much and so noisy like my mother until i am scared. she is really an emotional person, just for one day and i seen her happy, sad, angry and all types of face. i donno if i have a good guy's face or what she become so trusted to me that she even tell me personal things. Anyway that is really a strange club which seems to be in pieces because of many reasons which once i thought only my club is the worst but i believe that the best survival tips is to be ready to change to suit enviroment rather than enviroment to suit u because enviroment is the people around your and they will not change just because of you. In this world strong feast the meek. Anyway i got to know a good guy who is nice to chat with and talented in music i always wish to learn music maybe can tap from him some talents because he is one of the singer in singapore. hm....should i get his signature too? I went to esacpe but actually got bored easily very typical cos all those things are swinging type and i got a headache very fast soon after that. Despite haveing no sleep last night because i was tring the whole night to record the chairman's snore i came back and sleep only for 3 hours and its enought for me. After sometime seriously i feel that pari rovers is better a lot and is like a home to me perhaps i should help more and built it up.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

12:02 a.m.

My Pitas page

At last weekend comes and i have been waiting for it. Today is my first tutorial with the repeat class very embarressing that i only keep nodding throught out the class and when the lecturer asked me questions i reply them all correctly and he knew that i learned them all before and when asked i told him that i have studies but failed because i overslept my exam what a waste :( the good student in my group is a bit strange and keeps giving irritating comments at first we all learn drawing graphics and when i finish everything he ask me to show him and when he sees it he just says very common and i told him all my hardwork and den he says we shouldn't concentrate in this and somemore go tell teacher. When we are doing work he expects me to follow him all the way and it makes me kind of blow up because everything i wrote he disagree with it that in the end i told him to type everything and when he is wrong he just wouldn't let me edit i guess its the pride of good student but hey i am also a good student only just that i am bad in memorising things and other than this all i excel with 9/10 grades.

Tuesday, July 6, 2004

my first game from scratch

Today my teachers show me many samples of game they are very fun and most of them are the popular games that u can get from the shops and its really more fun then the warcraft game which i am doing because i even get to do the programming part which is exciting further we can do the project with anyone from any class however the person must be in the same course as me. Some ppl approach me to join the team with many pretty gers however i reject them cos i for projects i believe in effort skills and not the looks of the gers to get me good grade after all i am in my last year of course.

Today i read 1/2 chapter from my bible hopefully i can get rest in my heart really i have done many things in the past which i regret and really hope to change for the better however some things got the better of me. Its better to know little about this world because not many things that you do can be undone. Even people will look at your past as a record and the things that you have done cannot be undone no matter what you do its still there because its a record.

yea, i am going to change blog to another server which is faster and definately better which is pitas and my dear brother junni whom is struck by the guilt of his heart for ill-treating me for so many years decide to do the grace to change all my entries to another server. Good job brother :P

Monday, July 5, 2004

My first day

Today is my first day of school and i cannot sleep well last night and worst my class is from 8-6 really very tiring and embarressingly i have to go into a strange class to repeat my module. Somehow donno why the girls keep giggling at me but i feel uneasy because i am an OGL before certainally they would recongise me but i wouldn't know them.

Today i just meet another devil whom always bully me when i am in secondary school and its junni, and the first thing she says to me is that i bo sim and want to box me how violent. But she astonish me because she grown a lot and change a lot really gers change a lot and for guys maybe the only for me to change is to go NS because many people says so and why? i donno.

Saturday, July 3, 2004

Starting of my career

Its time to go back to school i guess and that at my age i think i should start building my road of career. In this holidays i made a game for warcraft 3 and i am proud of it because i got good rating from people hence i think perhaps i can earn some frame before i set out to work.

This semaster will be different from others because i will be tested of my skills and will have to be more independent hence i must really study if not it will be too late because after NS i guess i will forget more than 3/4 of the things i learn. Really i admire girls because they don't have to go NS and could just start work and when i go into working life my girls classmate would be my superior or boss.

However i shouldn't look back i took a long turn to come to this place and in poly life especially at some of my classmates i have seen the reality of the world and about how a person cheat to get their ways throught and backstab others in other to get good grades. Well, when school starts i will take to them however i will be very careful of them.... i just don't want to be another victim.

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

School is starting

School is starting soon and on the first day i must meet the lecturers because i repeat a module i am very nevious because i have never make such big mistakes in my poly life before. I consider myself to be a blessed person because whenever i am in deep trouble somehow or another there will always be people to help me for example my secondary school times. When i failed my international exam my teacher give me special priviledge and i get to repeat unlike other students because they need to see this teacher see that principal and write some promise to them.

Lets hope that i will score well this semaster so that i can clear my modules, i don't want bad remarks on my diploma because this will be the highest qualification when i go out for work hence is very very very important for me.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Its hard to forget someone

I wonder how hard is it to forget someone, especially someone who gives u a deep memories. It has been 7 years since i last contact her, and ever since then she haunt me in my dreams. She left me with tears in my eyes whenever i thought of her. I am a man and i always thought its hard to get a guy crying but nevertheless i have never thought of how fragile i am when she comes to my mind. Here i wrote this blog because i am afraid that one fine day i may just explode.

i am a foolish person who doesn't know how to treasure thing that i have and only when i lose them would i then cry to get them back but all is unless what is gone cannot turn back. All that i do now is just to remember her, i cannot talk to her, i cannot meet her because she is not living else where which i cannot contact, really its hard to forget really i tried to forget and for these 7 years i flirt, and i did chase other girls but if i am remembered of her i would lose interest in other girls until some people thought i am abnormal. Not even i myself know why, but it is from her that i am taught of what is love and it is from her that i know what is love like and how is it. Maybe somedays the providence will allow me to be with her or someone will come and hopefully replace her but before that i cannot wait in tears.

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